Bear With Me.

I started my blog a little over a year ago, and I was so proud of it. I have been so proud of it. When I started, I felt I had something to share. I felt I had things to give.

When I started this blog, I felt like I was allowed to be vulnerable. I felt like I was learning so much, and I was enjoying the early days of marriage so much. It was hard, but I was learning.

The past few months, I have felt drained. I have felt stifled. I have felt deep sorrow. I simply don’t feel like I have as much to say anymore.

This blog has strayed from my original intent for many reasons, and many painful things have happened this year. Because I feel like I can’t write about the things that have happened (and what is truly going on with me), every post feels trivial. I don’t want this to be a food blog… that’s not why people used to read. I don’t want this to be a complaining session… that’s not why people used to read. I’m no longer writing from my heart, because my heart is covered in bruises. I’m no longer writing with hope, I’m trying to get through each day. I’m struggling. If I was only struggling with depression, I would write about it. But I’m not just struggling with depression… I’m struggling with so much more.

I have been so grieved in relationships, distant friendships, our housing situation, strain on my marriage, and I don’t know if I can/how to write about it.

Maybe one day I will find my voice again…. but right now I am spending so much time listening to the Lord. I am listening to people trying to build me up and encourage me in scripture. I am trying to find that joy.
I have considered (and am still considering) taking a break from blogging. I desperately want to share what we have been going through, but I am still trying to figure out what that looks like.

Bear with me.

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“A Wizard is Never Late”… but Deborah’s not a wizard.

This morning started with chaos. I woke up, our apartment filled with the morning light. I normally get up at 6:10… but decided to sleep in until 6:40. What really happened is that I set my alarm for 6:40 on “Mondays only.” Wednesday is not Monday, if you were wondering… and today is Wednesday (which means it’s NOT MONDAY) and my alarm did not go off. So I woke to Josh gasping and running into the other room to look at his phone, and he exclaimed “IT’S 7:40!” to which I thought “ahh, I slept in on this fine Saturday… wait… NO!!!!”

 

Yeah. So I texted my boss, showered and grabbed my pre-packed lunch (thanks for making me make it last night, Josh. And self, good job setting up the coffee the night before!). Turns out New Falls of Neuse isn’t that popular at 8:10. I made my normally 45 minute commute in 25. (Dear 7:15 commute… YOU STINK!) My boss laughed at me. By now he knows how much I love order and hate being late… and how sometimes, even though I’m really smart I do really stupid things. (Like trying to use an envelope moistener without putting water in it and declaring it broken. Yes, that happened.)

Anyway, I was 30 minutes late to work, and everything is ok. (And I feel pretty rested, so that’s a plus.)

 

Small victories this week:

  • I slept all the way through the night (ok, then I was late to work).
  • I started writing thank you notes for wedding gifts.
  • I wore the first outfit option I picked out every day.

 

Otherwise, this week has kinda stunk. I’ve been feeling exhausted, for what seems like no reason- I sit at a desk all day. I feel like I’m fighting a cold, but there’s nothing to point to that says “SEE, I’m sick!” I’ve struggled with peace, and asked a million times “WHAT am I doing with my life?” One of the lies I’ve been battling is that what I’m doing isn’t important. That my life is on pause while Josh accomplishes things.

No, seminary is a joint effort. If I weren’t working, we couldn’t pay the bills. If he weren’t studying, we wouldn’t be equipped for ministry. I am not in a season of “book learning,” but a season where I am being taught contentment, what it means to be a witness for Christ, and how to make sacrifices for my family (even though it’s just me and Josh right now). The things I am learning (how to feed us healthy meals, how to serve my co-workers, how to let Josh do things for me) are valuable.

Why am I weary? Maybe there is a component of sickness, but I feel that it is mostly caused by me carrying the burden of our impending move, and listening to all the lies swirling in my head- including “Josh has too much going on. You need to adjust your attitude and keep quiet.”

Poison.

Tonight I am looking forward to ending this crazy day with Josh. Dinner is made, there’s no where to go, and I don’t have a long list of things to do. Just talking with him. It’s so easy to get caught up in the lists, and the tasks, but it’s time to take a time-out… the other things can get done tomorrow night.

 

Josh,

Sorry you slept through class! I’m looking forward to this evening of talking and getting on the same page. Things at work and in life have been stressing me, and I haven’t done a good job of sharing my burdens. Please forgive me and help me grow in this. Sometimes marriage is all joy, and sometimes there are growing pains. I’m feeling the growing pains today.

Let’s meet at the door with a big hug and kiss, leave our cell phones on silent, and make sure I set tomorrow’s alarm for the right day. 🙂

I love you.


Love, Mrs. Cornelissen