It’s ok.

The Cornelissens are so desperately thankful for the rain. We are totally over the pollen thing… we would like to be able to breathe, see, walk outside, and even sleep through the night.

I won some small house battles (not arguments with people in my house, but tasks that have seemed to daunt me) this weekend- I got rid of that pile of laundry, I cooked for my family, I hung up pictures (about time), and got rid of clutter. Honestly, this weekend was an emotionally tough one. We have been really praying and wrestling through some future decisions, and I have been struggling.

One of the main things I’m struggling with is feeling like I give, give, give (my family, my growth group, at work) and I don’t have someone pouring back into me. So instead of continuing to feel hopeless and alone, I reached out and asked one of our pastors for some help. I desperately need to meet with someone who has been where I am, and can help me walk through this season. And it’s OK to admit that I need that… since I’ve reached out I’ve been affirmed by multiple parties that it’s GOOD. It’s also humbling.

My crochet project is coming along very nicely! I used up the entire ball of yarn, and learned how to add a new ball (thanks, Google)… and Michael’s has had 50% coupons this week… so I have been stopping by every day to get a $1.70 ball of yarn (we calculated that one ball of yarn occupies me for about 9-10 hours, so that’s entertainment for $0.15-0.18 per hour).

The only other headline for this week is “BREAKING NEW: DEBORAH HAS KEPT HER ROOM CLEAN FOR THREE DAYS IN A ROW.”

Tonight is date night, and I’m looking forward to just spending time with Josh. We have planned an evening of Chili’s, an errand, and some baking, which is fairly relaxed because this weekend is shaping up to be a fairly social one. Josh’s family is going to be stopping in this weekend for a short visit, which we’re really looking forward to! But no matter how much we love anyone visiting, it takes energy, and I think we’re really recognizing the value of resting together. I’m hoping tonight proves to be relaxing as we soak up some quality time together.

 

Dear Josh,

I am so thankful for your encouragement and affirmation over the last couple of weeks. I know it has been really hard- but it is so freeing to know that you’re not going to be frustrated with me for limiting our plans or for having simple plans because it’s the best thing for my own health. There is no way I could be more excited about spending this evening with you. Hopefully this afternoon goes by swiftly.

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“A Wizard is Never Late”… but Deborah’s not a wizard.

This morning started with chaos. I woke up, our apartment filled with the morning light. I normally get up at 6:10… but decided to sleep in until 6:40. What really happened is that I set my alarm for 6:40 on “Mondays only.” Wednesday is not Monday, if you were wondering… and today is Wednesday (which means it’s NOT MONDAY) and my alarm did not go off. So I woke to Josh gasping and running into the other room to look at his phone, and he exclaimed “IT’S 7:40!” to which I thought “ahh, I slept in on this fine Saturday… wait… NO!!!!”

 

Yeah. So I texted my boss, showered and grabbed my pre-packed lunch (thanks for making me make it last night, Josh. And self, good job setting up the coffee the night before!). Turns out New Falls of Neuse isn’t that popular at 8:10. I made my normally 45 minute commute in 25. (Dear 7:15 commute… YOU STINK!) My boss laughed at me. By now he knows how much I love order and hate being late… and how sometimes, even though I’m really smart I do really stupid things. (Like trying to use an envelope moistener without putting water in it and declaring it broken. Yes, that happened.)

Anyway, I was 30 minutes late to work, and everything is ok. (And I feel pretty rested, so that’s a plus.)

 

Small victories this week:

  • I slept all the way through the night (ok, then I was late to work).
  • I started writing thank you notes for wedding gifts.
  • I wore the first outfit option I picked out every day.

 

Otherwise, this week has kinda stunk. I’ve been feeling exhausted, for what seems like no reason- I sit at a desk all day. I feel like I’m fighting a cold, but there’s nothing to point to that says “SEE, I’m sick!” I’ve struggled with peace, and asked a million times “WHAT am I doing with my life?” One of the lies I’ve been battling is that what I’m doing isn’t important. That my life is on pause while Josh accomplishes things.

No, seminary is a joint effort. If I weren’t working, we couldn’t pay the bills. If he weren’t studying, we wouldn’t be equipped for ministry. I am not in a season of “book learning,” but a season where I am being taught contentment, what it means to be a witness for Christ, and how to make sacrifices for my family (even though it’s just me and Josh right now). The things I am learning (how to feed us healthy meals, how to serve my co-workers, how to let Josh do things for me) are valuable.

Why am I weary? Maybe there is a component of sickness, but I feel that it is mostly caused by me carrying the burden of our impending move, and listening to all the lies swirling in my head- including “Josh has too much going on. You need to adjust your attitude and keep quiet.”

Poison.

Tonight I am looking forward to ending this crazy day with Josh. Dinner is made, there’s no where to go, and I don’t have a long list of things to do. Just talking with him. It’s so easy to get caught up in the lists, and the tasks, but it’s time to take a time-out… the other things can get done tomorrow night.

 

Josh,

Sorry you slept through class! I’m looking forward to this evening of talking and getting on the same page. Things at work and in life have been stressing me, and I haven’t done a good job of sharing my burdens. Please forgive me and help me grow in this. Sometimes marriage is all joy, and sometimes there are growing pains. I’m feeling the growing pains today.

Let’s meet at the door with a big hug and kiss, leave our cell phones on silent, and make sure I set tomorrow’s alarm for the right day. 🙂

I love you.


Love, Mrs. Cornelissen