It’s ok.

The Cornelissens are so desperately thankful for the rain. We are totally over the pollen thing… we would like to be able to breathe, see, walk outside, and even sleep through the night.

I won some small house battles (not arguments with people in my house, but tasks that have seemed to daunt me) this weekend- I got rid of that pile of laundry, I cooked for my family, I hung up pictures (about time), and got rid of clutter. Honestly, this weekend was an emotionally tough one. We have been really praying and wrestling through some future decisions, and I have been struggling.

One of the main things I’m struggling with is feeling like I give, give, give (my family, my growth group, at work) and I don’t have someone pouring back into me. So instead of continuing to feel hopeless and alone, I reached out and asked one of our pastors for some help. I desperately need to meet with someone who has been where I am, and can help me walk through this season. And it’s OK to admit that I need that… since I’ve reached out I’ve been affirmed by multiple parties that it’s GOOD. It’s also humbling.

My crochet project is coming along very nicely! I used up the entire ball of yarn, and learned how to add a new ball (thanks, Google)… and Michael’s has had 50% coupons this week… so I have been stopping by every day to get a $1.70 ball of yarn (we calculated that one ball of yarn occupies me for about 9-10 hours, so that’s entertainment for $0.15-0.18 per hour).

The only other headline for this week is “BREAKING NEW: DEBORAH HAS KEPT HER ROOM CLEAN FOR THREE DAYS IN A ROW.”

Tonight is date night, and I’m looking forward to just spending time with Josh. We have planned an evening of Chili’s, an errand, and some baking, which is fairly relaxed because this weekend is shaping up to be a fairly social one. Josh’s family is going to be stopping in this weekend for a short visit, which we’re really looking forward to! But no matter how much we love anyone visiting, it takes energy, and I think we’re really recognizing the value of resting together. I’m hoping tonight proves to be relaxing as we soak up some quality time together.

 

Dear Josh,

I am so thankful for your encouragement and affirmation over the last couple of weeks. I know it has been really hard- but it is so freeing to know that you’re not going to be frustrated with me for limiting our plans or for having simple plans because it’s the best thing for my own health. There is no way I could be more excited about spending this evening with you. Hopefully this afternoon goes by swiftly.

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Like a Shepherd

IT IS FRIDAY. I never realize how badly I need a weekend until I do something stupid at work… my dumb mistakes always happen on Fridays… not adding the deposit up correctly, putting the wrong dates on things, or (as was the case this morning) sending a service ticket with the description “Atntyue” to every person (all 9) in our company plus the customer. OBVIOUSLY I WAS NOT ON MY GAME.

Sigh.

So yes, I am excited about a weekend. As I just told my husband, I am super excited about doing things around the house… maybe I read too many blogs by pregnant women, and have too many pregnant friends… but I need to clean everything. Seriously. The other day I FINALLY dusted the base boards because it was driving me insane. Thinking about a morning of dusting, vacuuming, and scrubbing strangely warms my heart. (PS I don’t know who I am anymore.)

Our weekend plans? If you hadn’t gathered, some cleaning is on the docket. Otherwise, pretty sure there is some West Wing, Downton, and The Office in our weekend.

Our date night on Wednesday was really fun! We enjoyed dinner at Red Robin and got some productive shopping done. (Finally, I think I have shorts that I like!) I am so excited about simple things right now… last night we had dinner together, I did laundry, watched American Idol and worked on my crochet. Simple, yet I had so much fun. Maybe I have been enjoying these little things because we have been looking forward, and trying to plan… and, frankly it is overwhelming. It’s hard to say “in 5 years, we’ll do this…” because I don’t feel ready. In 5 years, I probably will… but last night I just needed clean socks.

As I told my wonderful friend Elise who I desperately wish I lived next door to, we’re making plans with open hands. I thought I wanted my Master’s (ehh I’d rather have kids), I thought we had the 5 year plan to focus on just the two of us (but Aaron is living with us), and I thought we would have everything figured out (not. even. the. foggiest.). Plans change, but God leads. There is no doubt in my mind that we are where we’re supposed to be, and that we’re doing what we’re supposed to be doing. One of the greatest comforts, to me, is that God knows and holds our hearts. He knows our deepest desires, and is not a fickle boy who may break the heart He holds in His hands, but He is a loving shepherd that leads us.

Jesus, like a shepherd lead us; much we need thy tender care.

These are things I’ve been thinking. There is joy in the laundry, for right now that means an evening of leisure and relaxation because I don’t have mountains of it. I have small loads but I anticipate the days when there will be mountains, because that will mean there are more laundry makers under my care (hopefully they will have dimples and blue eyes like me). Today, I spend my working days in the office instead of the home, but it serves a purpose. It is where my shepherd has led me, though I often struggle to appreciate it.

[For the record, THIS is why I need to write. I just made sense of everything and connected all the dots through typing.]

 

Dear Josh,

I am thankful for our little home. I’m thankful for the ways it has been used to bless others, and I’m thankful we have a policy of an open door and open hands. We have learned so much in the last year about making plans as they crumbled apart after a terrible job, a totaled car, and a debilitating virus.
I’m thankful for the job I have that allows us to do all the things we do- which is a lot. Traveling, paying loans, hosting friends and family, and supporting Aaron’s growth. As we were reflecting yesterday, we have come so far in the past 3 years of knowing each other, and I’m excited to see where we will be in 3 more years. 🙂  Meanwhile, we will enjoy fine dining of Mexican chicken and rice, and enjoy fine entertainment (The Office). Before we know it, these simple days spent together will turn into years we have spent together and I intend to enjoy each moment.
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Taking Stock 01

As expected, we had a wonderful date. We went to Panera, and I was quite impressed. I got the pick 2 deal- a half chicken cobb salad with avocado and a half turkey and avocado BLT. Wonderful, wonderful! We had a really good talk about the future, and what our options are.

Right now it’s looking like the PhD, but we’re praying through it and considering all the options. It was really good to talk it out… and we processed a lot of feelings/fears/expectations we hadn’t discussed before. Even in the midst of such uncertainty, and even though tears came out of my eyes voluntarily, I’m so confident that we will be exactly where we are supposed to be. I am not worried about “missing” what God has for us… I’m just struggling to trust/understand His timing.

Next, we went to Target to do the return which should have been a completely painless experience, but I just have to be real… shopping is a little hard for me right now. Just when I feel like I’ve made a break through in confidence, I have a little attack of insecurity.

We hit Sonic on the way home for a small treat. My husband- have I mentioned he’s the best?- watched American Idol with me. And, we were both sound asleep by 10:30. No, it was not the most action-packed date night. We ate healthy food, had tough conversations, ran an errand, and ended up on the couch. Maybe this makes us old, but this was so much more romantic than a fancy dinner or a grand adventure. My husband listened to my deepest fears and concerns,  he didn’t chide me for being afraid or for crying. He was not frustrated I wasn’t more energetic. He was just there.

One of my favorite bloggers, Keira, does a Taking Stock post every once in a while. I thought it could be fun, and a good way to check in! So here it goes.

Making: sweet and sour chicken in the crock-pot, and stir fry when I get home.
Cooking: up a plan to get my house under control.
Drinking: water. SO MUCH WATER. I have been flavoring it with lemon juice or cranberry juice.
Reading: “One Last Thing” by Rebecca St. James and Nancy Rue… and I’m not rushing. I am enjoying it too much!
Wanting: to be completely and totally content.
Playing: Carcassone on my Kindle. All the time.
Wishing: the weekends were longer.
Enjoying: Norah Jones on Spotify.
Waiting: for 4 o’clock (worked through lunch so I’m leaving early).
Liking: the furniture we got for the back porch. It is so perfect, and I’m glad we get to enjoy our little outdoor space!
Wondering: how long a double batch of pancakes will feed the guys.
Loving: my new rainbow flips flops. They are so comfortable (now that they are broken in) and such a safe solution- no more slipping and sliding in my sandals! 🙂
Marveling: at how fast the grass is turning green, and how fast the flowers are popping up. Wasn’t there just snow on the ground?
Needing: some quality time with my sewing machine.
Smelling: Bath & Body Works Paris Amour.
Wearing: my favorite jeans and a long sleeve shirt with a colorful scarf. It’s casual Friday, AND FREEZING!
Thinking: about the job I had this time last year, and how miserable I was! I’m so thankful for God’s provision.
Knowing: I have a Saturday morning date with my love. I’m super excited about going out for breakfast, hitting a yard sale, and enjoying some madness!
Opening: my own closet to shop for my Easter dress.
Giggling: at the show Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt.
Feeling: the need to make something pretty. I think I’m going to re-work my mantle decorations and make it more springy!

 

Dear Josh,
I am coming home to you very shortly, via Dollar Tree, Michael’s, and Old Navy. I’m really excited about spending a weekend with you… and concentrating some more time just us. This work week has been long and tiring… and I’m so ready for some rest with you. And to really destroy your bracket (let’s be honest).

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