Bear With Me.

I started my blog a little over a year ago, and I was so proud of it. I have been so proud of it. When I started, I felt I had something to share. I felt I had things to give.

When I started this blog, I felt like I was allowed to be vulnerable. I felt like I was learning so much, and I was enjoying the early days of marriage so much. It was hard, but I was learning.

The past few months, I have felt drained. I have felt stifled. I have felt deep sorrow. I simply don’t feel like I have as much to say anymore.

This blog has strayed from my original intent for many reasons, and many painful things have happened this year. Because I feel like I can’t write about the things that have happened (and what is truly going on with me), every post feels trivial. I don’t want this to be a food blog… that’s not why people used to read. I don’t want this to be a complaining session… that’s not why people used to read. I’m no longer writing from my heart, because my heart is covered in bruises. I’m no longer writing with hope, I’m trying to get through each day. I’m struggling. If I was only struggling with depression, I would write about it. But I’m not just struggling with depression… I’m struggling with so much more.

I have been so grieved in relationships, distant friendships, our housing situation, strain on my marriage, and I don’t know if I can/how to write about it.

Maybe one day I will find my voice again…. but right now I am spending so much time listening to the Lord. I am listening to people trying to build me up and encourage me in scripture. I am trying to find that joy.
I have considered (and am still considering) taking a break from blogging. I desperately want to share what we have been going through, but I am still trying to figure out what that looks like.

Bear with me.

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Keepin’ it Real

Date night was fantastic. We went out for some deep dish pizza, saw our friend Emily, and I don’t know if I stopped talking during the whole meal. I processed my raise/talk with my boss, the agony of the book club decision, all things Aaron, and trying to schedule visits with people we love (Joseph-yes, and Phil and Elise 😉 – I’m talking about you). I had a TON of words.

I decided to drop the book club. I committed to it thinking it was meeting close-by, and it wasn’t a huge inconvenience to my schedule. Being 5 minutes from work, but over 20 from my house, and starting an hour and half after I leave work made it ridiculous. I thought about going to the first meeting, and then deciding… but I know my personality. It would be even more difficult for me to drop out of I started.  I am still planning on reading the book, but I can’t do the meetings. Instead, I do have an evening of time for me, and I will be protecting it.

After pizza… and free dough bites… and also french fries (sounds like date night is not so good for the healthy food choices), we went home and watched The West Wing (the episode was about PTSD and it was SO SO good) and an episode of Parks and Rec. I am so thankful for the way Josh has guarded date night, and it was so nice to have his undivided attention at dinner (since it was just us).

Last night, since I don’t have book club, I enjoyed a quiet evening… home, worked on a wall collage, caught up on a show, worked toward my step goal. We enjoyed Cincinnati Chili that my mom put in the freezer, and I thanked God for guys that are happy eating leftovers all week. It’s not that I don’t want to make dinner every night, it’s that I just don’t have the emotional and physical energy to.

Since I’m on a streak of intense honesty, I must tell you that one of the things I’m trying to learn is what it means to love someone when you’re absolutely crushed by someone. What does it look love to someone when they have hurt you deeply? (No, I am not just talking about what it means to love my husband when I am mad at him, but loving people-so it could be anyone- in the midst of conflict.)
My parents have not modeled this, but other have: disagreement means dissociation. No, life is not like a movie. You don’t leave when you’re angry, then come back and everything is fine. Life is full of conflict… so how do we deal with it, not only in a healthy manner, but in a Godly manner?
I don’t have answers yet… but I hope to learn.

This weekend holds some cleaning, as always, but not as intense as last weekend. It also holds making shepherds pie, ahead of time, for next week. [and I have lots of sewing time planned.] It includes solitary time, time as a family, and a game night with dear friends. I love the weekends. I don’t live for them, but I love them. Meanwhile, I have bills to pay, packages to process, a deposit to make, and customers to serve. I am very glad it’s Friday.

 

Dear Josh,
I  want to learn to love you better in the midst of anger, conflict, hurt, and miscommunication. I want to be able to love others, even when I’m disappointed in them, when they’ve hurt me, or when I don’t agree with them. You are so good at reminding me that we’re a team when I’m hurt and feel like you’re the enemy. You’re NOT the enemy. Love doesn’t stop when arguments are taking place, which you are so good at saying. I guess nights like last night remind us we aren’t perfect and we still have a lot of room to grow together.
Right now, I’m struggling with the fact that I have to share you. I am sick of sharing you with school, and I’m sick of sharing you with Aaron. So, I request a brief budget date tonight. Just you, me, and that lovely budget of ours.
I love you… even when things are hard, and I don’t feel like loving you… I love you.
Love, Mrs. Cornelissen