Fight for It

First off, I didn’t blog about our date last week, but I really must.

Last Wednesday night, we had the BEST date night. We finally made it to Outback, with a coupon and a giftcard. We had a 3 course meal and only had to pay the tip. Thank you, family, for blessing us with date nights! Josh got steak, I got Parmesan crusted chicken, and we split it… so we got the best of both worlds. Book-ended by salads and cheesecake, and punctuated with quality conversation, we were both so encouraged and uplifted by our time out.
He even went to Old Navy with me (just to do a return… no one wants to try on clothes after eating steak, am I right?)… yeah, he’s a keeper. Sidebar, I ordered shorts from Old Navy in the boyfriend style. I thought cool, they won’t be like super tight. Instead, they were so huge they literally fell off. I don’t know what was off (new style altered the size??)… but it was bad.

My meal plan made some progress (though we’re consuming leftovers tonight). Josh had a weekend class, so we was gone until 9 on Friday, and gone from 8-5 on Saturday. Since I had no plan for Saturday, I decided that we would have a super nice meal which doubles as the “I don’t know what else to make”/we have leftover asparagus meal. I made Garlic and Herb Tilapia, rice, and asparagus, with a side of french bread. Yes, it was a hit. Don’t spread it around, but Josh told me he is starting to LIKE asparagus… sea salt, Parmesan, and repetition work miracles. Honestly, this is one of my very favorite meals. I felt like a legit cook, piecing together the different parts, making sure the flavors complimented each other, and it only took 30 minutes to throw it all together. (That’s why we have a huge bag of Tilapia fillets in the freezer.)

But, I skipped a lot of happenings. One of my favorite girls got voted off Idol…. boo.
I got up early with Josh on Saturday, and when he left for class, I caught up on shows. Around 10am, however, there was a ring of the doorbell. I looked out the window, and saw a mini van and assumed it was my only friend with a minivan (Charissa!), and happily threw the door open to see… well, not Charissa. Instead, I realized the van was full of elderly African-Americans, and two of them were on my front porch. Our front porch is TINY. And, as I discovered, it is very awkward to talk to someone through a glass door when you cannot open it, or you will open it INTO them. So, I stood awkwardly as they (Jehovah’s Witnesses) invited me to a celebration of Jesus’ death. I was so very confused. Because it was 10am, I had not finished coffee, and I was hoping that friends had stopped by, I did not even think to engage them in conversation over the fact that I celebrate Jesus’ resurrection (Easter).

When Aaron got up, we did our chores. For about 3 hours on Saturday, ALL the laundry was done, the carpets were all vacuumed, the counters were clean. I love a clean house. Then, we rewarded ourselves with Downton Day 2. We’re almost at the end of season 2… and I am so very distraught. (WILLIAM. MATTHEW.) We continued to Downton until Josh got home. 🙂  Then we had a feast, and played Kingdom Builder.

Sunday… was a rough day. I didn’t go to church, and Josh and I had a long emotional discussion after he got home. It was hard. There were lots of tears, but we needed to have it and I think we’re better because we did. We finally updated our budget for this month, and talked about how to protect time for just us. There have been-and are so many- distractions of how we can use our time. The hard thing is that the distractions aren’t bad uses of our time, but I think we have really become aware of the fact that our relationship needs time. It can’t starve through the week, and be ok on date night. It needs attention, and it needs constant care. So, we’re trying to be intentional. We’re trying to protect time together, which has really proven to be a challenge. We’re trying to have grace with ourselves, and each other, and on Sunday that meant we ordered Pizza because we spent the afternoon talking about serious stuff.

This week, things are really looking up. We are past the insanity… Josh’s weekend classes are over for the semester. The rest of his work is all online, and he has been able to alter his schedule to make more time for me, in the evenings and weekends, and Aaron on the weekdays. I’m SO thankful. Josh and I were given perspective last night doing the budget, looking at the craziness of February (a huge insurance payment, high electric bill, days lost at work due to snow, going out-of-town) and realizing all our needs, and even most of our wants, are met. We’re eating healthy food (minus pizza, ok), we’re together, and Aaron is able to live with us without us feeling strained. We are so blessed, and so quick to forget.

Are you wondering about the title? Let me explain. I feel like I have had to fight for a lot of things recently: time for myself, getting my exercise in, choosing to eat healthy, protecting time with my husband, and most of all fighting for joy. I have viewed fighting as a bad thing, but I’m not sure anymore…

 

Dear Josh,

We still have so much to learn… but I think this weekend was so valuable. I often think that our intense discussions/fights are bad because we love each other so we should get along…. and I often try to avoid them. However, I think I often miss the point because we need to fight, not for the sake of argument, but because we’re fighting for our marriage.

Thank you for listening to me, I needed to be heard. Thank you for growing with me. And, thanks for making my sandwiches every morning. You’re the best.

signature.bird

 

 

 

 

PS
This is my 100th post…. so that’s pretty cool.

 

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Salsa Galore

First off, Friday was my first Chipotle experience… and I must admit, it was wonderful.  Moes is still wonderful, but Chipotle? I get the hype.

Friday night, the guys made dinner. Shrimp fried rice, salad, and french bread. Good job, guys! They did such a good job planning, budgeting, and executing.

I must say… weekends are hard. I am a verbal processor, and I am also a solitary processor. If I don’t have time to sit, think and process, alone, then eventually it all comes in a flood… usually a flood of tears. Usually it happens on the weekend. I feel invaded, I feel overwhelmed, I feel torn by things I need to do, and things I want to do. Saturday it all flooded. I was so angry, I was so overwhelmed, I was so disappointed, and had to make a lot of apologies. We had a late late dinner… of corn dogs.
I am trying to identify ways to improve… and I probably had too long and ambitious of a to-do list. I probably should have asked for more help.
Weeknights are easy. I’m home for such a short amount of time. If I need space, I go to my room. Weekends are different. There’s a lot more noise… and I need quiet to recharge. There’s a lot more instruction needed, and there’s a lot of times I have to confront. It’s hard not to focus on what we’ve lost, and easy to become resentful and angry. Lord, change my heart.

Sunday, we went to church, cleaned the house, the guys played frisbee, and we had a party. Chips and salsa, cookie dip with graham crackers, ranch pockets, pigs in blankets… oh my. And I got to hang with my little friend Evie. Gosh. Sometimes you just need to play with a 1 year old.

It’s a rainy Monday, and I have begun the gradual increase of my Fitbit goal.
I’m claiming some time tonight to do some things I want to do.
I am trying to find time for everything, and it feels like either I don’t have enough energy (emotional or physical), or I don’t have enough time. What are my limits? Should I be allowed to admit them? How much do I push through?
I still haven’t had my review at work… and that is frustrating me.
I made WAY too much salsa for the party. WAY too much.

 

Dear Josh,
Thank you for being on my team. These past couple of weeks have been a roller coaster, good times, hard times, tears, and laughter. It feels like every step we take forward means we have to take two steps back.
I’m sorry for the way I handled- or didn’t handle- my emotions this weekend. I’m sorry how small things got blown way out of proportion, and how victories were overlooked.
I love you. Thanks for bragging on me, letting me process, and for making dinner when I can’t get it together.
Love, Mrs. Cornelissen