Excuse my absence. I have needed to “be.” I have felt the need to re-focus, to observe, and re-evaluate.
Things I’ve Been Thinking/Feeling/Pondering:
First, Josh and I have a lot to work on… especially where the schedule is concerned. We had a really good talk (“discussion”) about it… and I am excited about the changes that are being made.
Second, I observed our best friends all weekend, completely enamored with the tiniest, most adorable boy. I am so struck with the beauty of a parents love for their child. I have been thinking about it for a little bit… but having kids is starting to seem less scary. So having a baby isn’t comfortable… but labor is such a temporary thing, and the result is a life. HOW COOL IS THAT. I started thinking of all the things that will be unique to my experience, and that Josh will never experience. Sorry, but HOW COOL. The hard part, is that I think being a mom is so awesome… and I hate it when people ask me when we’re going to have kids. Why? Because 50% of the time the question scares me senseless, because I’m not ready… and the other 50% of the time, I’m frustrated because I want it to be the right time, and I want to be ready.
So, honestly… I have been frustrated with life the past couple of days. I’ve been frustrated that we live so far away from these dear friends, and I get to see Joseph grow in snippets. I’ve been frustrated because I want a little one of my own. I’ve been frustrated because I don’t know what our next steps are. I’ve been frustrated because of the chaos of our schedule, since it feels like we never have time to have fun- and when we do have time I’m exhausted. I have been frustrated because I want this blog to be more successful. I have been frustrated with my body image. I have been frustrated with a dirty house. I have spent so much time being frustrated.
Third, I obviously need to re-focus. I need to remind myself of the reasons Aaron is living with us…. I need to remember why I’m working full-time instead of having kids… I need to fix my eyes above.
Moving forward this week, I’m still focusing on being… but being kind to my husband, being content with our situation, being part of a team, being present in conversation with Josh when I’m exhausted from a long day. Honestly, the things I have been thinking through are not bad things… but the way I have been processing them, and they way I have addressed them with Josh have certainly not been good.
We met our godson! I got to snuggle that baby, hold him while he slept, make him smile, and I am just in love. Honestly, I’ve been a little afraid of babies… I don’t know what to do with them and I usually can’t get them to stop crying… but Joseph was different. Maybe it’s because I know his parents so well, and I wasn’t afraid of him crying. Maybe it’s because I feel like he’s a little bit mine, since I’m his godmother. The weekend didn’t totally revolve around the baby. We played board games, went shopping, and ate lots of food. I am SO thankful for these pause and play friends; it feels like we don’t miss a beat, even though the visits may be sporadic.
Hurting my knees really stole my exercising thunder… I’ve been very diligent about tracking my food/calories/water, but let those exercises slip. I’ve been slowly amping up my steps, and now my goal is 4k a day. Every Monday, as long as I have hit my goal every day the past week, I’ve been bumping up the goal by 10%. Slow? Yes, honestly it’s much slower than I’d like. However, I’m trying to show myself grace. I’m still celebrating the little victories, like the fact that I am craving real foods such as avocado, tomato, tilapia, blueberries, etc instead of processed sugars and greasy fats. I’m celebrating the fact that I have lost 7 pounds, but my goal is to be healthy and I’m not obsessing over losing weight.
Tonight we are finally having our Outback re-do date. This time we won’t forget the gift-card!!! There are some necessary evils that must be addressed, namely taxes and this month’s budget, but we haven’t had time yet. Maybe the budget will have to happen tonight, which kinda stinks since it’s date night, but life is busy.
I am currently in a wee cooking rut… meaning that I don’t have any meals planned past Saturday! So… Pinterest and my cookbooks shall be my friends tomorrow night. (Along with American Idol… because I’m just really into it… I definitely have a list of people I’d like to leave.) It is quite the challenge trying to make meals that are budget friendly, healthy, and real. Any suggestions or recipes are appreciated and welcomed!
I am so thankful for the time we had with our friends, the time we had together on our road trip, and the discussions we’ve had about the schedule. It’s been rough, but we are a team and we always get through it… even if it’s tough.
Thanks for believing in me- which includes but is not limited to running our house, sticking to the budget, doing this blog, and making meals. I cannot wait for date night, even if it includes Old Navy returns, hitting Target for a deal, and updating the budget. Even with mundane tasks, being with you is the best possible use of my time.
I love you. Date at 5:30?
Love, Mrs. Cornelissen