In 5 years…

I did, in fact, have my review.

My boss asked a really hard question… “where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

I.

don’t.

know.

…then I had to tell him that. I told him that I’m here as long as Josh is in school, and I’m not sure how long that will be (right now we’re trying to figure out what the next step is… more school, aka PHD? Mission field? Or unexplored option 3?). They see me sticking with the company for a long time. I see myself raising the children -the children that seem so scary right now- long term. They are presenting a vision of my running the office. I see myself running my household.
As Josh and I have been discussing the future, I have been overwhelmed with the fact that where we are, and where I want to be are not the same. I am working full time, but it is temporary. Josh is in school, but that is temporary. I want to make homemade cleaning solutions, do laundry, do the grocery shopping, and invite people into my home…. like on weekdays… before 5:30 pm. I have all these desires, to be a homebody, and to serve my husband my serving our family. Right now, I am… but it’s not doing what I want to do. I want to be at home, doing home things, but I’m in an office chair, in dress pants, paying a company’s bills and tracking down old money. Looking at the future in this present feels… ridiculous. I don’t know how my dreams- even the dreams that scare me, like having kids- will come true. I don’t know what life will be like without Josh in school. There’s so much I don’t know.

This is what I do know: that I enjoy my job. Honestly, in this stage of life, if I weren’t working I wouldn’t have much to fill my time. [I know. I was unemployed for 3 months, and sat around crying.]

My review went well… they love me here, and I know that. I got a raise, though it required several meetings, and I feel much better about my position here, my future here, and I feel more appreciated based on those conversations. That’s a good place to be.
So no, I don’t know where I will be in 5 years, and I’m not going to lie to my employer by telling them that… but I do know that I’m where I’m supposed to be right now.

These thoughts have been flurrying through my mind these past couple of days. That, and what are my limits. I signed up for a book club at church… I thought it was like 5 minutes from my house, but it’s 20 minutes away. So am I supposed to drive home (4o minutes) to eat dinner (20 minutes) to go pick up my friend and drive to book club (30 minutes one way) to be there for 2 hours, and drive back home (another 30 minutes– resulting in an hour and 40 minutes of driving in one evening)? Or do I stay at/by work for an extra hour and a half and hang out until book club? It’s more than I thought I was committing to… and all that driving/waiting/rushing might drain me more than it would fill me up. Is that fair to say? I hate backing out of things, but I’m just not sure I can do it. I am trying to balance my friendships, my marriage, my ministry, my work, my chores… and it doesn’t feel balanced. I constantly feel like saying “no” to things, and crawling into my closet just so I have time/space to myself. So, if ever there was an honest post… this is it.

Tonight is date night, and I’m so excited to spend some time with my Josh. We’re going out to get pizza (and visit our friend Emily!), and then I am making a bee-line for the comfy couch. Oh safe haven, wrapped in my husband’s arms… where I don’t have to solve anyone’s problems, or make any to-lists, I just get to BE.

Dear Josh,
Thank you for being my biggest fan. I have worried and stressed and vented about my work situation, and you have been so understanding, supportive, and encouraging. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad I can serve our family in this season by working… but I am also anticipating the future seasons, comforted that life won’t always be this way. Going through the review process has been good, because I have realized how much I have accomplished, and how much I am contributing. Thank YOU for telling me that you’re proud of me, when others fail to tell me… and thank you for thinking the world of me.
Can’t wait to see you tonight… and celebrate the extra money in our pockets.
Love, Mrs. Cornelissen

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